Mothernature knows nothing

I thought I was on the road to recovery and getting “well” but I seem to be having more bad days than good. Or at least as many bad as good. It’s fucked up! There is sooo much shit on the internet and the more I learn about everything the worse I feel about myself. I’m bipolar diagnosed and have dyslexia. I believe I am also ADHD. All the things I read about it especially pertaining to my childhood and the constant loudness racing mind is my enemy. My own personal hell if you will. It’s been terrible weather, dad is being such a dick and my mind constantly racing from subject to subject. I’m considering gummies or something to stop the business going on. I have many things around the house that needs to be done& could be done (and easily done I should say) but I just can’t get my shit together to do any of it, not even the small easy ones. Plus the god damn dogs are driving me fucking driving me bat shit crazy. I love them dearly..but I have NO ME time.

bad few days / down & blue / unsocial / unproductive / hate knowing to much

my ignorance was bliss. Now it’s infuriating.

I am wearing a tshirt that reads ” it’s a throat punch kinda day” and it is extremely accurate for my current mood.

Maybe I need to change up my meds ?

My loss of my Best Friend in the whole wide world 😭

  My BFF for 35+ years ended in 2020. I knew why I ended it but had no idea she also ended it till recently. 

  Just before Xmas I ran into her at our Nail salon. I had run into her a few times previously over the years but she wouldn’t acknowledge me. So I stopped too. When I saw her come in before Xmas I knew the holidays are rough on her so I made an effort to say hi and tell her how great she looked (and she did). Small talk for a few moments. Then she leaned over to hug me. Honestly, I thought she might hit me or something. My jaw dropped as she reached her arms out to me. So I reached up and hugged her back. I whispered in her ear I Love You and Miss You. She did the same. WOW !!!!! I was on a fucking HUGE emotional high.

  I started making plans for us to reunite , hanging out and doing things. (all the usual emotional decision making I always do). By the next day my high wasn’t so high. Reality set in. I knew it should be a step by step process. I decided to wait for her to text/call me since she was the one who was so distant. Well, that lasted for a few days. So I text her saying we both were so stubborn that we could both die waiting on the other to text (a funny joke I knew she would get). No response. A day or so later I text that I know if in a dating relationship there is a 3-4 day waiting period to respond without seeming needy. And how I felt like I was on a date waiting on her because our friendship is that important to me. Especially since we always joked about how she was the male role and me the female role in our friendship that we would be the perfect couple if she was a guy. Again, No response. So I quit reaching out.

  At my next nail appt my guy asked if I text/called her. I said yes but she didn’t respond. He said hmmmmm….

  Around my birthday I received a text from her and my heart started racing with joy and anticipation. Her text said:  Hey. I said Hey back. Then, it’s me (XXX). I said Duh, I know who you are still in my phone as (nickname here). Then I sent another text. No response. So I dropped it thinking she may have changed her mind. I was totally crushed.

  Next nail appt. He told me XXX text me but I never responded. I told him, yes I did. He said she didn’t get them. I told him to tell her to UNBLOCK me on her cell so she can receive my texts. 

  The next day she texted. We proceeded to text for a week or two. I think we were both afraid to push it too far too early – or at least I was. Then I found out why she was mad. I insulted her and made her feel like a bum. My dumbass fella at the time was trying to isolate me from her bc she was fun and wild and could easily convince me to leave him since I already wanted to. I apologized. The text messages covered the gambit pretty much.

  So we were to meet somewhere neutral and talk. Work out the issues. I wanted to set boundaries and let her too. No restaurants though bc I am trying to lose weight. She suggested her fav donut/coffee shop. I did agree to meet there, dumb idea. Then a day or so later she suggested a nice restaurant. 

2 red flags for me and we haven’t even spoken verbally. 

1 : she has no money to pay for her meal and I didn’t want money to start being an issue between us again. I said I really didn’t want to do a restaurant – food and all – I’m an emotional eater, plus I love that restaurant. The donut/coffee shop was back on the table.

2 : Not long after that she called (1st time verbal convo in many years). We chit-chatted. Then talked about hating her job (common), then immediately broke into a rage of words, anger, hostility towards her boss (one of her bff’s also). Cussed her like a sailor: (cunt,whore,motherfucker,fucking bitch,etc). I immediately felt a knot just appear in my gut. The same kind I got when coming home to my ex-boyfriend OR the feeling I got when I was married and heard his loud shitty truck coming up the road and never knowing what kind of mood he would be in. It was horrific. I thought maybe she was just having a bad day (stupid, she has always been like this). Then she asked me if I could hire her for our business. THERE IT IS…   The selfish, narcissistic, entitled user she has always been. I tried to find her something online while on the phone. One option that  I suggested she said she would kill herself if she had to do it. She hates people, tourists, rules and checks as payment. Then it hit me…a personal dog walker. She LOVES all animals. She could make her own hours, get paid in cash, not have to deal with people except for a few moments. Great money!!!!  NO GO of course. I had to get off the phone for a meeting. Told her she should check it out. It was perfect for her.

  As the night passed I became more sad and upset over our convo. She hadn’t changed at all. She wanted to see what she could get out of me. Sure she missed me. But I was the only one that let her be herself, do her thing and not control her no matter how immoral, illegal or unjust it was. I felt she cared so little over our long time friendship that she would try to get something out of me first instead of just reconnecting. She feels everyone (including the world) owes her bc she has had a bad childhood. I felt like I was going through a divorce again. Heartbroken again, I thought about it all night. What should I do? I wanted to call my daughter but thought it best not to so I could listen to my gut and what I need without any outside influence. Not mom, sis, friends…no one. This one had to be all me!!  No more second guessing or surveys.

  The next morning I got up and texted her. I said I didn’t think this was going to work out. We are just two different people. I am trying to make my life easy and peaceful. The anger and hostility on the phone yesterday put a knot in my stomach. I know you won’t believe this right now, but I do love you and always will. You will always have a special place in my heart. I am not judging how you live your life at all. You once told me it is how you survive life. I told her I got that. I just can’t have it in my life.

  I have no words to describe how sad, broken hearted and disappointed I am.

Then I BLOCKED her…

                                                   THE END

Aug 17, 2023

My daughter is being a self-centered little bitch. She was in a emotionally abusive relationship for several years. Nothing I knew about of course. It ended and I was amazing to find out how bad it was. She’s not very forthcoming with life stuff. I get that. When I had traumatic issues happen in my marriage there were things I didn’t share out of shame. Shame I let it happen, control me, my insecurities and that I would stay with him. Now she is with a wonderful guy (according to her). In 3 months they will have been together 2 years. Officially a couple 1 yr. My problem is I haven’t spent more than 5 mins talking to him at a time. I’ve been around him 3 times for no more than 5 mins each time. So my concern is why? She says it’s bc he is quiet and shy, he has never had a serious relationship before. His relationship with his parents are “normal” whatever the fuck that means !!!! He accidentally met my dad once and that was enough for him. He is disgusted by my dad’s personality and inappropriateness. Doesn’t like him at all. I’m sure she has complained about how much I am like him, and in some ways I am. But I am also very opposite of him.
I went through so much raising my child alone most of the time. Then after her daddy passed it was just me. Then through all her illnesses. Almost dying, being bathed, multiple trips to ER and just dr visits. Her unable to walk, stand, drink, eat, medication times, shots, etc. I never slept, worried all day & night long, crying in the shower alone, making deals with god, feeling guilty of having to go to work and leave with the guy I was in a relationship with at the time. Calling and checking on her, contacting drs for any issues that may come up. Taking care of all of this while emotionally and literally being on autopilot. If I hadn’t been I probably wouldn’t have survived, neither of us. Basically being the diligent mother I am, while making sure I can do everything in my power to keep her well and improving. Not let her die. I love her so much I would do it all over again if I had too. That is what led me into being a ‘hover’ mom. Wanting to keep her safe. Letting go of the apron strings and letting her go be her own person was the hardest thing I have done. And currently I don’t feel like I am getting any leniency or even understanding for who I am and why I am this way bc of all I went through. I had no control over anything. And I have no control now.

I struggled for many months on trying to pull back and let her find her way in life. I kept falling back into my old habits. It took lots and lots of therapy, deep digging into the dark areas of my fears/soul/heart/mind. Some very scary places. Admitting things I once refused to accept, ie.. not being needed all the time, being able to call or chat whenever I just wanted to check in on how she is doing, her being my best friend and basically just having a nice close mom/daughter relationship. Now I know I sound resentful of all the things I have done as a mother for her. I am not bc I would do it all over again if I had too so she could turn out to be the incredible person she is today. However I would like some acknowledgement of how I have given her the space she demanded and becoming a better person by cutting most of my apron strings. I dont feel she sees how far I have come and if she does she hasn’t given me credit on how good I am doing. I’m not sure if I just repeated myself or not? If I did it’s bc it is worth saying twice. She and I both have come a long way of trying to be a better person. I tell her frequently how proud I am of her for the life she has built, how smart she is, how lucky I am to have her as my daughter, etc.
Ok, so that brings to her current bf. IDK if he doesn’t want to meet me, she doesn’t want me to meet him or both. IDK if he’s scared of me, she scared of us meeting or what???? I fucking know nothing. She has mentioned the 3 of us doing lunch or dinner a few times. Not specific dates or details. Everytime something happens and he can’t make it. She says we never promised. I tell her it’s ok. I ask is he afraid of me, are you worried about me acting out, does he know I’m not just like my dad, etc? I get the same response every time from her. “It’s has nothing to do with you” or “It’s not about you” then she accuses me of being to insecure and needy. I should let it go. First–it actually does have something to do with me bc I am part of the equation. If he is aware of us going dinner/lunch and how important and excited I am and changes his plans — then hell yes, it is bc of me! If he knows about it and how excited/important it is to me and changes his plans again then it IS about me. It’s just so disrespectful. I feel he or she or possibly both of them doesn’t want me to even have anything to do with them. It makes me wonder what is being hid from me. Let me also say….when they were just casually dating she went to his sisters wedding (which we all know the whole fam was there and weddings are a big deal). She has spent time with his mom, dad and sister all separately and together. She spent fathers day with his dad which she usually spends some time with me, bouquet, card or at least we have some kind of communication (she refers to me as her father & mother figure). Then she spent Easter with his family and spent time with him at his moms on Mother’s Day (hello…that’s MY GD Day !!!). She said after spending time with with his mom it would be a long drive to here. That she would be here in town in couple of days so we can celebrate it then. I didn’t want to make her feel guilty and I know how important this relationship is to her so I said sure, swallowed my badly hurt feelings and said fine…(now that is some Fucking Growth!!!!) She had been pretty sick for months a while back with a lung issue. She went to her specialist for tests. I know normaslly results aren’t given but this was a special issue she hadn’t had before. I asked for to call me back and tell me whetgher or not anything was said. She sais sure. I waiting hours after her appointment. No call, no text – nothing. I caledd many times, left messages on her phone & FB and many texts just asking if she was ok. Never heard from her. I was friend with her bf (it hadn’t been defined as a realtionship yet, but had been together for many months). I knew she wouokld reach out to him. So I text him, no resp[onse. I was so worried I accidently hit the FaceTime button and immediately hung up before it rang, it was a totasl accident. I contacted a mutual friend of opurs that i had met at her comedy show. We had become Inst & FB friends. I contacted her bc I knew he would answer our common acquaintance (they were friends). I asked her to contact him and just ask him if my daughter was ok or hadf he heard from her. I was extremely worried. I don’t remember when my baby contacted me back but I do remember she was so freaking pissed at me. Told me to back off. Leave him alone. He had told her that me reaching out was wrong and if that is what it was going to b like in a relationship with her (and me as her mom) it would never work. WTF !!!!!! That is when I started working on respecting her boundaries. She fucking chewed me up, spit me out and was willing for kill me. Jesus, she was so angry at me. And I felt so bad that I freaked him out. I didn’t want to be the reason it didn’t work. Well, actually I didn’t want to be the excuse he might give to not stay in their relationship.

This past weekend we had lunch and she implied he might join us. Then when a date, time & place was nailed down he was busy getting a massage that morning. I was informed that afterwards he likes to go home and relax and get things done around the house. So I went to brunch with her anyways. I mentioned I hope he aware that I’m not as over the top as my dad is. She said I’ve told you before it’s not about you. You need to get over this. Stop being insecure. This is your stuff to deal with. And as I usually do I let it go. I get to see her so infrequently that I get to see her that I didn’t want to but heads. (God Damn Growth!!!) When we were done with brunch she mentioned how much he likes chocolate gravy from there. We both had a lot of leftovers so we both asked the server to bring to-go boxes and more choc gravy at the some time. It was really cute. lol. She said she would call him to see if he wanted to come pick up the food while we waited. Apparently he didn’t. She ordered another biscuit and said she would call him in a little bit. I paid for it which I dont mind but I feel it’s worth mentioning since I get so much grief from her and no leanways. I was hoping brownie points from both of them. And maybe he would realize the kind gesture and show up for a minute to tank me or something. So when we were done she had said she wanted to show me around downtown. Granted I’m not the best with roads and directions around her place but the area we were in I am pretty familiar with. We walked to the car about a block away. Got in and drove around a few blocks. As we circled back around she said ok that is where we just ate. I knew where we were. While at the stop sign I noticed his apartment was like 1,000 ft in front of us. I said that is where he lives, right? She said yes, good eye. I believe she didn’t want me to realize that where we were eating was less than 2 blocks from his place. I think she believed that if I had known how close to his apartment we were at brunch that I would ask why he wasn’t there. And she also knew it would’ve given me a leg to stand on to ask questions. Instead I said nothing other than, I thought so. (God Damn Growth!!!) Why didn’t she just stop and drop it off to him while we were there? She took it home with her, called him and said she would be over as soon as my mom leaves in a while and scoop you up. Why didn’t we stop and drop the warm fresh food off to him after leaving brunch? So he was coming to her place. We drove by his place to and from brunch, parked very close to his place and he still couldn’t make it. but he could make it after I left. ( btw, he lives less than 10 mins from her house. I quick skip, hop and jump and he could be at her place anytime. but can never make it till after I’m conveniently leaving.) That so so so fucking hurt my feelings. She makes me feel guilty about feeling insecure, gas lights me into letting the subject go and I do. Now that is GROWTH !!~!!
(FYI: gas lighting is her fav term pertaining to me. it is nothing more than what my generation calls guilt-trip. it’s not a new term, a new discovery or anything…..she acts like her generation created it and put it out there..are you fucking kidding me!?!?!)
I know its a good thing to step back and let her live her life and I’m trying to keep improving more every day. I am concerned bc of secrecy she creating about her relationship? And don’t I deserve the right to voice my opinion then we discuss it? I have as much right as she does to ask about it as she does to keep me out of it.
I am extremely angry, oh so very hurt, feel unappreciated, dismissed and disregarded, my personality is tainted in his eyes, and totally cut out of her life. And anytime she needs me I drop everything for her, as most mothers do. Where is the return love??
I am a very compassionate, giving, loving, fun and charming person. I’m a great mother. He is so missing out on how fantastic I am (so is she).

As a parent I choose to try to do the best for my child. Even when she is so fucking unappreciative. Damn I hope I don’t have to wait another 20 years for her to mature enough to realize I did the best I could with what I had. All I hear now is dont forgive you for being absent in my youth. Explanation: I wasn’t an absent mom. i was diagnosed with bipolar when i had a nervous breakdown. I stayed in bed for a long time although it didn’t seem that long to me because I slept through most of it. I accidently ended up with a phenomenal family Dr. One of his family member of his had bipolar also so he did extensive research on it. That was very uncommon over 20 yrs ago. I know it wasn’t a new disease but it wasn’t as diagnosed in detail back then and not as understood. So my original Dr put me on some great meds. I took to them quickly and did well. It took a while for my body to acclimate but it was working. then my Dr retired and another Dr took over. I really liked him alot. He was very personable. Later I found out he was in the military (this is a pertinent piece of info to remember). I was having issues with sleeping. So he quit my amibian – yup ambien. I was a comatose zombie after taking that. I was the ‘binge eater’ kind that wouldn’t remember it. So I spoke with my Dr and decided to add a med to help me sleep instead off ambien. He started me on Geodon. 80 mgs to start with, 160 mgs then he decided to up it to 360 mgs. YES…MILLIGRAMS (not micromilligrams). So at that point I was a walking zombie, both day and night. Couple yrs later I had to change my Dr again. I got a female Dr. on my first visit she went over my file and looked at me in shock and said why are you on Geodon? And why such a high dose? That is a cheap drug used by the military mostly to give soldiers. And it is double a normal dose. I have never seen a dose that high. But most importantly…how are you standing up and awake? I was on 360 mgs of Geodon, 40 mgs of Lexapro and 500 mgs of Lamictal. I should’ve been comatose, let alone walking and talking she said. I went like that before this new female Dr for many years. I was over medicated from my daughters 7th grade to well after graduation (2012). Over 10 yrs of overmedicated. Its been roughly 6 or 7 yrs since my medication cocktail has been steady. Then one event on top of another. My daughters life threatening illness (2 times). The wildfires of 2016. Moving her drug addict grandmother into my home after the fires destroyed everything she owned. Trying to hold it together for all my family while in a horrible relationship I wanted out of. Then gutted my home, took out my first mortgage. Then covid/quarantine took over. breaking ties with my 30+ year best friend over drugs, moved back home after 10 months (by the way 2 people and 2 dogs that would try to kill one another when possible), ending my 7 year relationship, now being alone/unmedicated/2 large dog owner/ungrateful daughter place in my life. My point is I have NEVER EVER experienced more than 1 of the scenarios at a time — imagine going through all of these in just under 7 years. It was/is so god damn brutal. On the plus side II don’t have a choice as to whether it is something I want to do or not. I have to do it/confront everything about me. Why I am who I am, how I got this way, what (if any) I need to change and how. Simple as that!!! I do get manic and blue sometimes. The sad times mostly come in the winter. I have also realized that I am ADHD. I’m not sure if or where that intertwines with bipolar? it really doesn’t matter.

My first rant: my daughter is becoming a very self sufficient person. Bought her first house. Went through a horrible relationship. Going through all kinds of on and off again horrific things with her lupous. Full time student in college. Doing her work for the company from home. All that and still trying to live a life of someone her age which is impossible because her body is the age of someone 25 yrs older.Tthe lupus has fucked with her physically and mentally. I feel so much love, concern and anger towards her about this.

#2 : she had a fuck buddy whom i knew NOTHING about except for his first name. Ok fine, but the bigger the deal she makes of it the more I want to know. She could mention his name but if I did she would lock down emotionally. Tell me I’m not even allowed to say his name. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK !!!! Then don’t talk about him to me. So several months go by and she gets very sick. I know she is around him. I decided to friend him on insta so I could reach her in an emergency or he could reach me in an emergency. I didn’t scroll through his page or nothing, just wanted to be able to reach him in an emergency. I have that with all of her new and old friends. If she disappears for whatever reason I have tons of contacts to try to find her. Its my mom way, my super power. So she recently comes to me say they have decided to be official. I am so happy because from what little I know he’s awesome and treats her well. Honestly I dont even know his last name till this day. Idk if it is on his Insta or not, like I said I didn’t go through it at the time. I’ve seen less than 10 pics and I could literally trip over him and not know it. I know so little that I even misspell his first name still. So I wanted to just send a text and wish a happy holiday. Asked my daughter first out of respect if I could. She flips the total fuck out. She goes sideways. So I drop it. Which in turns make me question how she always treats me. I stew on things she has said to me in the past that hurt me or I feel is untrue. I send an email (she hates those, and long text messages…lol). Apparently no one else in the world but me send long text messages. After a few days I send an email listing all the shit she has spewed at me for years because she knows my insecurities of feeling stupid and her being able to control our connvos. It wasn’t meant to be a mean email and I said that. It was a factual email. I did however get angry in a paragraph, but hey, whatever… so I told her how I felt when she talked down to me, interrupted me, bullied all of our conversations, how saying I’m acting just like my father ( which now I can say sooooo) and a few more things too. After 2 days I text her with a question so I could feel out her mood. She is the moodiest girl I know. All over the place–bipolar I’m sure–just like when I was married to her father, I got knots in my stomach when he would come home. Having to wait till he walked through the door so I could adjust me emotions to mean, happy or indifferent to make things easier on him and then just slide into the corner to leave him alone—it is exactly like that way with my daughter!!!! So we argue by text….I know she hates my long texts and I dont care. She acts like I have no right… ummmm, hello, I’m the goddamn mom. I wanted a baby, I brought her into this world, I raised her practically alone before thhe divorce and definitely after the divorce, I made sure she had a roof over her head ALL her life, she had food, shoes, toys, pets, I held down a full time job, she was in daycare, I lost my best friend bc she decided she wanted to with my daughters dad, I made sure she had other kids to hang around (mostly cousins-but that is normal), I made many many decisions to not have what I wanted so she could have the opportunities I didn’t have growing up as a child, I sacrificed all my freedom after the divorce for years to be a mom, I never had fun in my 20’s like most because I was raising her father then her…she had it ALL. She never talks about the good times and idk if she even remembers them.

She hates her father for abandoning her (so she says). I try to keep the horrible things about my marriage limited. How I cried all the time bc I lost my best friend and my husband who was my high school sweetheart (the only man I slept with until we divorced when I was 28), she was my only life raft that kept me from giving up and dying. I knew I had to be as sane as possible around her because nothing else was. She didn’t know the calls between him and I were getting so bad. As hard as I tried to keep it away from her she never heard all of the chaos. Like death threats, what a horrible mother I am, our daughter deserves someone that truly loves her, she will never love me the way she loves him, etc…blah blah blah… Before her piece of shit dad moved across country I went 2-3 years with out child support. I was getting like 150.00’ish p/month. We would go to court and he would give them his monthly income so they could figure a percentage to give me to raise her. But he was smart, the majority of people he built for did paid cash under the table, no tax trail……by the time he moved and the court system caught up with him the total was 20K+. Borrowing money for meds I couldn’t afford. Going to her daycare during lunch for her breathing treatments that she required 3 times a day. That med alone was 1,800.00 p/month. I did have insurance that paid 80%. However, I had to pay in full then be reimbursed by the insurance company after 30 days. I was always there being mom & father. I gave her lots of freedom but also holding the reigns. She had such wild, vivacious and charming spirit and it was so contagious. I didn’t want to crush that spirit only reign it in when needed.

All her young informative years I wasn’t medicated. As she started asking for a little more freedom around 8th grade I gave it to her. Then her father took me to court, fucked me over in court and it was traumatizing for me, hung 50’ish photo copied calling mean vulgar names and stapling them outside of our house when we were out of town….even on the dog house. I had to call the cops and file a report when I was out of state. I know she thinks I was a totally absent mother but the difference is I usually didn’t freak the fuck out when she did something wrong, stupid or childish and flip the fuck out. I would get mad, possibly yell, ground or whip.

As parents when you raise a child there is usually 2 active parents ( sometimes more). One is playing the good cop and the other bad cop. Then switch roles. As a single mom I had to try to figure out where the line was at on being good and bad cop. Sometimes there was no line. I would take a deep breath, way my options on what to do (that would be best for her to learn from) and choose. I never knew at the time if it was the right or wrong way to handle it (if any). It’s a double edged sword. She has no idea the scarifies I made to make the right decisions and to be a good mother. Honestly, i didn’t even realize at the time when I was making a decision or that I even had an option.

She is such a sad and unhappy person. It’s like she keeps making goals thinking if she could just get to the next one it would make her happy. I think we all do that and it usually fails. That life. This life doesn’t owe us a thing. We make our own destiny.

She resents her childhood, me medicated, me not being strict enough, me confronting her about how she treats me and others, romantic relationship bc they terrify her, me not hovering (when she wants me to), me hovering (when it’s not convenient for her), her father abandoning her then dying, and there are so so many more I believe which I’m I dont even know about honestly.

I think she could be a much happier adult if she would stay in therapy. She says she feels like all she does is talk about her day and nothing comes of it. That her therapist has nothing to offer. That she has outgrown her therapist. But that is shutting down bc it’s getting to close and to real for her. She is TERRIFIED of being diagnosed with bipolar and will do anything to stay completely away from remotely discussing it…unfortunately she is definitely bipolar.

I got wrapped up in venting I just quit numbering my rants. They all just ran together. lol

FUCK I HAD A LOT TO VENT….

Stuff I am going through right now….

I’m hoping if I put all my shit out into the universe it will get of head. I can always tell my moods by what I watch. Binge watching 2 scary series bc I am n a awkward / negative head space. been eating too much, spending too much, etc.

I’ve been thinking ab/ Sam a lot. I did her dirty although she did me dirty first. I was so hurt when she blew me off on valentine’s day without a call, text or anything. Another friend who let me down and hurt me. Long list…..MiChell, Kim, Samantha and I am sure a few in-between. Why do I keep picking these kind of friends? what’s wrong with me? is my judgement so screwed up i can’t pick anyone healthy? Maybe I expect to much from a friend? Maybe I expect to much out a friendship in the beginning? That what Rachelle thinks. I think I agree.

Anyways, ive decided to give Sam another try if she would like to give me another try too. i compared her to Kim bc she was cleaning this guys house that liked her for 600.00 each time. he is a widower. basically he liked her and wanted in her pants. She took advantage of his situation. I lost some respect for her even tho she did it for what says is a good reason. why I quit talking to her over this and valentines day I put up so much more shit Kim. why I let kit do things and refuse to give Sam a break is beyond me except for maybe I was scared she was going to abuse our relationship too and fuck me over. Fear makes us make decisions w/ total judgement. I like Sam. I think I will text her today. she is now engaged to a much younger guy. maybe she is got her priorities straight.

I will let you know.

FYI: i typed in a savage rant so there are misspelling, no caps or apostrophesand many misspelled words……. read at your own discretion……

well i started this blog to vent about how my child thinks i am an idiot and have never experienced anything that she is experiencing. and it has been so long since i blogged that we are getting along great now….

so i am now going to bitch about the country (my country). i decided to get more involved with politics, worldly events, etc. it is so fucking overwhelming. mass school shooting (any shootings actually). roe vs wade….wtf congress!!! Congress needs to get of my hootchee. i cant have anymore children but my daughter, all my nieces and gf’s can still can if they want. which means congress has a say in it. this government is going to shit. womens rights are being taken away not moving forward. im an ‘old’ person and sometimes (alot) have a hard toime with change. but atleast i am trying. the old fuckers in congress want to control and rule the country as it was being overseen before the internet came along. that is IMPOSSIBLE to do! progression, not regression, in our society is the future. so now that i stay up and watch news i worry about how this country is declining. we had a seriously unhinged, bat shit crazy, off the rails president last term, Trump. he so fucked up the country and showed the rest of the world how fucked up our country is at the moment. we, our country, is not feared as we use to be we are laughed at by other countries. we are a joke for letting such a person rule our country. hopefully something good will come from this….like more voters voting (city, state, county & country). yes i am overwhelmed also. so many things to be infuriated about…..so so so many.

1) Roe vs Wade REALLY!!!!

2) it is too easy to purchase fire arms (now, before you rolel ur eyes, i own several fire arms) i am not against owning a fire arm i just want it to be more difficult to get them.

3) healthy food so expensive, no wonder we are all fat (big pharma loves it).

4) folks not taking CoVid and the variants as serious as they should, if we all dont do our part it will never go away.

5) geez…the road rage is off the charts here. i use to be the one passing most and now i am in everyones way. its insane.

I constantly wonder if getting up to speed with the country by watching the news is even worth the stress, anger, frustration, disgust, sadness, embarrassment and total helplessness are worth being aware of. I would hate to be in (or had been in) the military of any branch and our country being torn apart like it is. we are all pointing fingers, blaming, fighting, killing others for so many reasons. im trying to narrow down what i believe to be the best description as to why we are killing one another and right off the top of my head 55 significant words hit me and as i ponder those so many more jump in my head. its just unattainable for me right now. one day the news is on a subject and i am outraged and dive deep into helping that cause. one, maybe two, days alter another horrific event takes place and the first one is forgotten. how is that possible??? i will tell you how, its because we have become so numbed to horrific events bc they are happening so fast that its difficult to focus on just one. so many events appall me and i want to help them all. i am finding it very difficult to pick one bc many hit close to home. then the overwhelmed feeling set in. the guilt that i cant pick one or two only. i feel guilty and like shit for a couple of days. after so much guilt along with just the everyday hurdles and issues directly in my life that i feel i have nothing else to give. so what do i do, i give up…….. and get pissed off at all of it.

how do i control the guilt, the audacity of influential people making obvious wrong decisions, my isolation, my stress, feeling unhealthy (this year has already been worse than most past years combined). it is so fucking much !!! im over it….my mental health is being effected by factors i have no control over and i FUCKING hate that.

i just feel so lonely and cut off from the world and after watching what is happening i am not sure i want to be connected.

im sure i will be ‘categorized’ as a conspiracy theorist …. but i believe the largest companies are in cahoots with one another. (big pharma, food industry, gun industry) these three industries are intertwined. they are making–no allowing– us to become fatter, stupider and lazier bc they know we will. plain and simple.

ever heard of the expression ‘like cattle’ ? if you watch around you and notice when there are two or more lines (drive thru, grocery store, driving, etc) that people have a tendency to get in line behind someone than go to seek out a shorter line. not all, but most, ive done it also, but we have a tendency to get in line so we dont have to pay attention, can turn off our brains or just dont care. this is fine and dandy for most. but if you think the government doesn’t notice this you are sadly mistaken.

i am very intuitive. i notice many many things around me (mostly). and when i see, hear or realize something is happening i wonder who else is noticed also. i know anything i figure out, wonder about or see very obviously is already been noticed or figured out by someone very high in our government. i say all the time if i am just looking at this as a normal citizen then you can be damn sure the higher ups and seen it, used it or moved on to the next thing i have yet to notice. if the government comes out with a ‘new’ jet, sub, helicopter, outer space -whatever- and people are so surprised and in awww ….. im just like, do you not realize if the general public is hearing about it then they are like 3-4 steps above this ‘NEW’ introduction….DUH we are all mushrooms. *if you dont know what that means look it up—it pertains to darkness & shit — LOL

you think RvsW is gonna be the only LAW overturned. ba ha ha…u ARE a mushroom. how can a person watch just one news channel, listen to one group, etc and think that is the gospel. i watch a short news station and i realize that everything i hear is not totally correct. i question everything and take most things with a grain of salt. there is always some truth, blatant lie and exaggeration in the stories we are told. just gotta figure out which is which, and that is not an easy feat. i dont even know now a days if there is an actual truth to anything. 2 people argue, things are said and each person walks away with a different interpretation of what was meant. its been happening since the dawn of time. the difference now is we are not willing to communicate with others and work it out, fix what we can and compromise. everyone wants to change everyone else’s mind……..and why? bc they think they are right and the other is wrong. if we as a human race dont learn to be more caring, forgiving, compassionate, loving, generous and help one another then mother earth and the heavens are going to ALLOW us to make the human race extinct. honestly if you watch sci-fi movie and zombie movies pertaining to the end of the world by the way of earth quake, floods and/or diseases …. peeps its a gonna happen. we may see the walking dead may be a exaggeration of what’s to come but i believe it is coming. i just i dont see it in my generation or my child’s generation. i want to live my life in my little bubble and be happy. unfortunately that will not be an option…..but i can try……

A fed up American

2 nights ago I was evacuated from my home. A fire was in the neighborhood. Once I got home (the next day) i slept all day. I had no energy or desire to get up. So I slept. Today I got up feeling extremely odd. Kinda disconnected from… something…not sure what. Then sat down to drink my coffee. All of a sudden I rush of emotions came over me and I cried and cried and cried. Got up took a shower, got dressed and came to work all while on the verge of tears. Feeling very vulnerable. Dad came to the office and proceeded to blame for everything wrong (or what presumed wrong in his eyes) with him not being involved in the company and what I was doing incorrectly. I asked him what that entailed. He wouldn’t (or couldn’t) give me a straight answer. I asked again telling him I would change what he thought I was doing incorrectly. He proceeded to tell me how he was kept out the loop of moving the business which I reminded him I talking to him about the whole thing and he told me to do it. How I forgot to increase a renters check to include the cpi for 2022. i reminded him that i had told him he had the original contract and said he would find it a month ago. How he was left with all the remaining stuff to take care of at the office and I reminded him that had told me not to touch anything pertaining to him because he wanted to go through it first before it got moved. How he was the primary owner of the company which I said “i know this because you remind me every time you are mad” that he could fire me or sell the company which I starting crying and said fine go ahead it’s all my fault. Then he started talking about how my kid wasn’t here enough which I reminded he was the one who pushed her to go to college. He wanted to know if she was still going to work for the company after graduating. I told him yes. As he got angrier and angrier he started telling me that we (me & my Kid) had no right argueing at the office. i reminded him it was no different than him yelling at me. He beat his fist on my desk and was yelling at me. When he stopped I said “just like that” I was crying. At one point i told him it was wrong to blame me for something he forgets he told me what & how to do in the first place. i said every single move i make goes through you first. would you like me to start recording our conversations. he was also mad bc he was told he couldn’t move his stuff to the office. i reminded him he said he was going to have an office at his house that he didn’t need an area. i reminded him it was bc he wanted to bring all his JUNK he horded in the old office (ie a massage table). I said we cleaned out a space for you when you said you wanted to move a desk down here. he set up his desk, chair & computer. then went back to bitching about things that happened moths ago. i said can we move on to current events?

He says no boss would let his employees get away with what we are doing at the office. I asked what he meant. He said not being at the office enough even if there is nothing to do, just sitting here so he can reach me. I should be at this office 9-4. I told him I am here 6 days a week atleast 6 hrs a day. Somedays might be at night or come in on a weekend but that I am here. He began to yell that he can’t find anyone to ride around with him since he can’t drive long distances bc he falls asleep. he said when he calls me i am busy. i reminded him i have 2 weekly standing appts p/wk. 1 is 2 doors down from the office and therapy. he says i should be available at all times to help him with anything he needs. i said that is not what an 9-4 employee is for since i’m suppose to be an employee and not act like a family member. i also reminded him that i am a 50+ yr old and have a life and it’s not here to be at his beck and call. not EMPLOYEE thats not family would do that. At some point he brought up how his mom did him wrong when he worked for her. I said and you are treating me the same way so i understand. he said she held all the cards bc she would hold his pay over him and i almost said just like you but i didn’t. He said he cant pay anyone to ride with him. he has tried to pay several people 100.00 p/day just to ride around and listen to music. no one will go. i wanted to tell him it is because he is the most negative person. that everyone is having hard times emotionally right now and all your bad mojo makes it worse. you complain to much about our last president. you complain about what you are paying for taxes and not having as much. how you are fixated on you squeezing every last dime possible bc your materialistic and money driven. Alas, i did not. we were still yelling, me crying, and he compared me to ‘L’ again. i said fuck her. she worked 9-5 and that was it. he said he paid her to be at the office in case he needed her to go somewhere for him or do something for him. I said what did she personally do for you or when did she ride with or take you anywhere?

The yelling quit and it became a convo about his marriage. how his wife mistreats him. how she forgets he pays for everything of hers. how she doesn’t cook for him, clean, or does what he says in a timely manner (his time frame which is IMMEDIATELY). We all are disrespecting him, treating him like shit, against him, ignoring him, taking advantage of him for his money, etc. HE IS ALWAYS THE VICTIM !!!! for 2 hrs he talked about ex-president and how he fucked dad (money wise), how ungrateful everyone he knows is, how a female friend of his didn’t listen to him on what kind of car to buy, how awesome his friends from where he buys his motorcycles and cars are and all the expensive vehicles & toys are. what wonderful, pleasant & smart they are (sure they like him so much bc he is very intelligent on alot of things but also a sucker for mixing the facts he is also a dollar sign to them). he says they would never steer him wrong bc they are friends. all the while he is describing their expensive vehicles & toys they won i was thinking ‘that you helped them afford. he went on about how rich they are and fell into money through family/friend connections. sound familiar is what i wanted to say. he finally calmed down after criticizing every single person he knows.

He wanted me to dictate 2 emails EXACTLY how he wanted them worded. He stood over me explaining how to open an email, download & print. I said nothing and did what he asked. ex: “click on that – right click – left click – you moved the mouse to far – highlight that word – go back 2 spaces – go forward 1 space – you aren’t opening that attachment correctly” – if you do this it is easier – stop doing it your way, do it exactly like i tell you and nothing else…. are just a few examples of his controlling. the envelope to tax people had to be opened bc noticed i wrote it out of the wrong account. he wouldn’t let me hand write and address. we taped the envelope back up. belittling me the whole time. all this stuff he was having me do is the same stuff i do every year at tax time. i had to sit here and listen to him talk about cars and motorcycles for another 30 mins before he left all while putting on a fake smile to please him while dying inside. this is a very very common occurrence.

the whole time this was going on i was on the verge of tears. I don’t know why. survivors guilt again from 2016 fires. fear of possibly loosing everything. fear of my safe space (my home) being taken away from me. now i dont feel like its my safe space anymore. guilt i am feeling this way. my heart feels sad & dark. all i want to do is go to bed and block everything out and sleep through it all. (whatever ‘it all’ actually is.) im nauseous and hungry at the same time. i can’t remember the last time i went all day without one happy thing happening or a smile.

just heard sirens and got sick to my stomach.

i have heard from dad 5 times in the last hour since he left……i am so nauseous

so me and my kid got into a massive fight. probably the biggest ever. i cussed her but she didn’t cuss me-interestingly enough. i was so mad. she said some shitty things and i said shittier stuff back. idk why she wanted to stay and fight but i tried to kick her out of the office 2 – 3 times. i cried more in that 1 1/2 hrs than i had in a long time. at one point i was crying so hysterically i couldn’t talk. it was an extremely emotional argument. i even ended up beating my hands on my desk screaming T HER. I fucking lost it. i dont think ive ever shown her that much anger towards her.

2 things she said that stuck with me….

1. was i needed to let her be an adult, that she is 28 and i need to let her be an adult. **funny thing she is right. i thought i had cut the apron strings but realized i hadn’t the more i think about it. she is drinking to much but she knows the risk and is an adult. i will just be there if/when she needs me. and hopefully i wont be so petty that i wont say, I TOLD YOU SO**

2. was she strives very hard in life to not end up like either of her parents. WTF bitch. i know she hates (despises) her dad for moving away across country and leaving her. but god damnit i didn’t do that! my life was dictated around raising her. so why wouldn’t she want to be a dedicated person to the one she loves? ummm, that actually doesn’t feel like what i mean, what i mean is i was (am still) a great parent. she came first as it should be with every parent. im not sure which part me she trying so hard not be like but i am offended. im a fucking awesome person !!!!! she hates her father and baches him every possible moment. i try to tell her about some of the good things in our lives before her birth. she doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. **it is so easy to remember the bad than the good** I have always said when it was good with he and i it was GREAT. When it was bad with us it was HORRIBLE. i wonder if i just dont remember the happy medium. i remember a lot more now i feel like. but hell, maybe not. im just so much smarter now that im older and sometimes i wish i had all this knowledge back then. but it is possible i would’ve ran from him if i been this smart ?!? anyways its fine she hates him right now but why the fuck is she lumping me in with a horrible parent category with him? i never abandoned her. if anything he abandoned me first when we divorced. OMFG, that is a different entry.

it was a very interesting fight. i found out alot about her and she i. she says she feels stupid around me. man i was dumbfounded. i would believe anything but that. that is my reason. i feel the same way. i feel she thinks she is smarter than me and i get all defensive and end being snappy. to me she comes off as having all the confidencs in the world and no one can sway her. funny thing is mom said the same thing about me before i met her dad, i turned into a weak, insecure teenager. my mom was dumbfounded by this too. we all turn into our parents. since it takes a male and female chromosome to reproduce (for now) we all just pray to get only the best traits from both parents. sadly tho, that isnt how it works.

man that one really got sidetracked….. at thrapy i disgussed how i wasn’t sure about exactly how i felt about our argument. that i came away with a confused feeling. that things between me and my kid areb’t the same and it worried me. she had me step back a moment and look at it from a different perspective. she said if you guys had fought like that and nothing changed between you it means neither of you learned or grew from the fight. and wow, how true. things changed and it was a good thing instead of a bad. im just so use to things not shifting that i assumed it was a bad thing. however, its not – possibly. time will tell. anyway i feel like for me i walked knowing more about her and understanding where her anger comes from and why. while i still feel like she doesn’t like me that is ok. there were times i didn’t like – but loved – my parents at different times. shes says its not that she hates me she feels like she can be her true self around me which is an unhappy angry person. now that really worries the fuck out of me. but i did walk away from our fight realizing i could change or fix things for her. she has to take care of her self. and if she needs me i will be there — no questions asked or judements (jopefully).

I have def walked away feeling like i no longer have to take care of her or be the one to pick her up when she falls. she can do that. if she needs help getting up she knows she can count on me. otherwise she needs to learn (or tweak) how to fall, get up and dust herself off. i wonder if my mom felt like this?